The unpublished

Do you believe in coincidences? I like to believe that everything happens for a reason but sometimes that reason isn't something we know or understand. When hard times come, it's reassuring to have that comfort that there is a reason for everything. Maybe it will help you grow, learn something or even just make you see the world in a different way. Whatever the reason is, I think life is more than chance encounters or random coincidences.

This morning I logged into my blog and was scrolling through my list of posts and I noticed one that I had written last March. It was unpublished and untitled. I opened it and couldn't believe what I was reading. I don't remember writing it but it is exactly what I need right now in my life. It's the words I needed to hear. It gave me reassurance and comfort that things will work out. I wrote about a different way of looking at a challenge that I still struggle with today. Something I had forgotten. How was I so insightful almost a year ago to be able to write something that would help me later? There's no way it was just a coincidence.

I've moved!

I am so excited to be writing this from my new home! And from my new mattress which is on the floor surrounded by lots of boxes. The move went about as well as could be expected. Expect for the delivery people not bringing my bed frame with my mattress. And I'll be getting my dresser and nightstand tomorrow so I can finally start unpacking. This whole living out of boxes thing is getting old really fast. But I am so happy to be here!

Even though I was so excited to move, for some reason I just couldn't bring myself to pack up my stuff. I seriously procrastinated it and when I finally started packing the night before the move, I only had half a box packed. I didn't sleep much that night.

My roommates are pretty cool and they are way nice. Last night we all just sat around and talked and ate brownies from the pan. Maybe this is the start of some new friendships?

My bedroom is pretty big but I am a little worried about my dresser fitting. I got one of those long ones with the mirror on top and I'm worried there won't be enough space for it. I guess we will find out tomorrow. I am lucky enough to have the master bedroom and it is so nice to have my own bathroom again.

I went to my new ward on Sunday and they seemed nice enough. But my church is at 9 am! Not too thrilled about that. When sacrament meeting started there were only about 20 people there... YSA wards should not start that early. My opinion.

You know how when you move to a new place and there's all kinds of sounds and noises? Yeah, I'm still trying to figure those out.

Why do we go through difficult things?

I don't think it's any secret that the last month has been especially difficult for me. Ever since the breakup, life has been hard. I've debated for awhile if this was something I wanted to blog about but I just need to get it all out. But even now I struggle to find the words to describe how I am feeling.

For awhile right after it happened, it was surreal. I couldn't believe what had happened. I didn't see it coming and I thought we were fine. More than fine actually; I thought we were great. And then I was blindsided that night when he broke it off. And now, a little more than a month later, I am finally accepting what happened. I am forcing myself to try to find the purpose and reason for it all. I just don't believe that it happened for no reason. I am desperately trying to find the "why" and to start putting some pieces back together in order to move on.

I'm not sure if it's closure I'm searching for. I've talked with him a few times since then I think we are good with each other. It's not the why we had to end that I'm searching for. I don't think that's something I'll ever fully understand although he's tried to fill in the blanks as much as possible. It's the answers for why I have to go through this hurt and pain that I am yearning for.

I still care for him and miss him like crazy but I honestly think we could actually be one of the few who can make the "just friends" thing work. We were friends for a long time before we started dating so there's no reason why we couldn't be friends now. I don't hate him and I'm not mad at him. I just feel sad about everything.

I've always been one to search for the reason in every little thing. It's easier for me to cope with something if I can see the big picture. But I just can't figure this one out.

5 things to do more of in 2014

1. Read

I miss it. I joined a book club at work and am looking forward to reading some books I probably wouldn't choose for myself.

2. Bake 

I have so many recipes and yummy things pinned on Pinterest. I really should start doing something with those.

3. Learn 

There is so much I still want to learn. At the top of my list is getting a better grasp at website coding and design.

4. Exercise

Pretty self explanatory. I usually avoid this but I want to find some type of exercise I enjoy.

5. Live and love.

I'm determined to make 2014 the best year yet!

A brand new me

I am moving.

And I couldn't me more excited or nervous.

On Saturday, my mom and I set out for Salt Lake armed with a list of possible places and determined to fine my new home. House number one was a charming 3 bedroom home at the end of a cul-de-sac. It had a fun and open floor plan with one of those catwalks over the kitchen. The actual building itself was perfect but that's where the good ended. While we were waiting for the landlord to show up, I asked the girl who was moving out if she had enjoyed living there and she struggled to find something positive to say. Strike one. I asked her what the other roommates were like and she described them as "intense" and suggested it may be due to cultural difference. Strike two. The final strike was the location. It was in a sketchy neighborhood. Like the kind of neighborhood that we locked the car doors as we drove through. The kind of neighborhood that makes you feel uncomfortable and on edge as you anxiously scan the area for the mugger that you know is just around the corner. We immediately crossed that house off the list.

The second house had a perfect location and is less than 5 miles from where my office will be located after it moves in the summer. We rang the doorbell and I was immediately greeted by a girl with a huge smile and as she gave us a tour, I started to see the house as a place I could actually live and be happy. Everything about it was perfect. The bedroom was big with a giant walk-in closet, the girls living there seemed awesome and they had lots of positive things to say about the singles ward. I honestly could not find anything bad about the place. They even have a piano! Huge plus right there. But unfortunately, the room was on hold for someone else who was trying to get the money together for the deposit. The landlord was holding it until the 18th and would let me know if things fell through. Bummer. So we moved on to the next place on the list.

The third one on the list was another charming house located in a cute neighborhood in Daybreak. It had lots of positives but I just couldn't see myself living there. Something about it just felt off. I still can't figure out what it was but for some reason it wasn't what I was looking for. And besides, the bedroom was tiny. A queen been would barely fit with just enough room to walk around the edge of it. The girls who lived there were awesome but something still felt off.

The last place was a townhome owned by a lawyer-turned-chef who was renting out two rooms. This place was gorgeous. High-end everything. She kept her china displayed on the table that was always set. Everything was shiny and expensive. It felt more like something off a showroom floor than an actual home. I honestly think that if I lived there I would be afraid of A. breaking something or B. not keeping things clean enough. It was a great home but just not for me.

We returned home a little discouraged that the only one that really felt right wasn't an option. So I began to search the internet for some more options and to make a new list.

I got a text Sunday evening from the landlord of house number 2 saying things weren't going to work out with the other girl and the room was mine if I wanted it...! I immediately knew that this is where I was supposed to be. I signed the lease that night and will be moving on February 1.

The more I think about it, the more I truly believe that this was meant to happen. With everything going on in my life right now, the timing of all this is almost too perfect. This is my fresh start. I can move on with my life and meet new people and make new friends. I can be anyone I want to be. People won't know my past or anything about me except the things I choose to tell them. I really believe that this is the best thing for my life right now. There's really no other way to explain the feeling I have about it or the way everything worked out. I just know it's where I'm meant to be and that Sandy is the place where the next chapter of my life is supposed to play out.