The other day I was sitting in my institute class when I heard something awesome from a girl a few rows back.
The teacher was talking about the ups and downs of marriage and how it is not always bliss.
A girl raised her hand and this is what she had to say:
"You know, marriage is the one time when you can be truely selfless. You don't need to think about what you need because there is someone who has your back completely. Another person is looking out for what you need and you can focus all of your attention on others. Someone is always there for you and you are always there for them."
Isn't that good? Can you imagine being in such a place where you can be perfectly selfless?
I can't wait to have someone in my life I can depend on so completely.
It seems like every single time I get on Facebook someone else is engaged or someone else has started a wedding countdown or someone else has just got married. I have been feeling like the ugly duckling this entire time.
But, what I have realized is that there is no reason for me to feel that way! These people who are getting married at 18 or 19 and right out of high school will probably just add to the statistic of marriages that fail. Why am I envying this??
I am only 19 years old! I am a baby in terms of a life span. Yet, I was feeling like I was destined for a life of TV reruns, bad Chinese food, and a collection of cats to keep me company. I was scared of a life alone. WHY?? I have my whole life ahead of me! I am happy and loved by my friends and family and I'm SINGLE! I can do whatever, whenever, and without having to answer to anyone!
But, instead of embracing my life as it is and loving the people I am surrounded by, I have become cynical and sullen and perpetually lonely. That stops. Now. I am thrilled to say that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will find love, but I am not going to find it sitting on a couch watching chick flicks and hating my single-ness. I have to go out there and live my single life that way it should be lived- FREE! And by free, I mean independence. It's not relying on anyone for anything or being relied on.
There are so many things I want to do. So many places I want to see.
Here's to the end of the lonely nights, the sad, boring personality, the down trodden face, the love-sick girl that could be found journaling her thoughts with Ben and Jerry. And here's to the beginning of my new life. A life filled with friends and family and fun and happiness and freedom.
I honestly feel bad for those people that have and/or are about to become tied down with a husband or wife and kids before they can even legally drink. While you have tied your life with responsibilities and commitment at such a young and carefree age; I will be out living mine. Like I should be.
I will find love one day. But it will be when I have experienced life and am ready to settle down. Until then, I am more than willing to wait with my head held high.
I am a new person. I am single and free. And I will be happy.
Over the past few weeks, I have had many of those super real feeling dreams. Here are a few of them:
The first one I remember, I was getting married. Although, I never saw his face. He was always busy or in the other room. The only contact during the dream was a few phone calls. It was so real! I remember feeling the way I think I were feeling while planning a wedding; the emotions were so real! I saw the reception, although I don't remember many of the details. I actually don't remember a lot of the details from the entire dream, but I remember how I felt. How happy and satisfied with life I was.
Last night, I dreamed I was a mother. I was suddenly in the hospital and was handed a small bundle, I remember being confused and the sudden realization that this was my son. He was so small and perfect with brown hair and brown eyes. Again, I felt strong emotions is this dream, as I clearly remember the panic I felt when I realized that I could not take care of him; I was not married and still in college. I remember the tough decision I had to make between adoption or being a single mother. In the end I chose adoption, but was able to name him, and chose the name James.
I don't know what all these dreams mean, or if they have some sort of significance because they were so clear and strong. Over Thanksgiving, I talked to my dad about them, and he told me that those dreams are the ones to pay attention too, especially if they made that big of an impression on me.
