Failure

Maybe everyone goes through times where they feel like they have failed miserably. Or maybe it's just me. Either way, as much as I hate to admit it, I have failed.

A few weeks ago, I was on top of the world. Everything seemed to be going just right and the pieces of my life appeared to be finally falling together to create a neat little picture of the life I always wanted. But last week, all that came crashing down and exploded in my face. I felt extremely helpless as I watched my life fall apart and there was nothing I could do. I feel like life gave me just a small glimpse of the things I wanted and have worked hard to achieve and then rudely takes it all away. I'm sure Fate is laughing at me from afar.

I feel like a failure and a disappointment. I was so sure that I was going to get a really cool internship this summer and get lots of really neat experience while meeting awesome people. And then I would come back to school and not have to worry about money and just enjoy my senior year. By all indications, I was so sure things were going to work out just that way I wanted. But then day after day I got my answers. No. No. Nope. No. I was denied everything I had hoped for and counted on. Now I am back at the beginning and have to figure things out all over again. It's almost overwhelming to think about. I had counted on that scholarship, I had prayed for that internship, I had hoped for that job. And those were just some of the big things. Even the small things were going wrong.

I was so devastated that it effected me physically. I couldn't sleep and I just felt horrible all the time. I didn't want to do anything and all my motivation for school was suddenly gone. I honestly felt like crying all the time.

I think it's a human shortcoming to compare ourselves to others. I know I do it. And while everyone around me is achieving their dreams and doing great things with their lives, I feel like I'm stuck. Stuck and not moving forward. In fact, sometimes I feel like I'm actually moving backwards. It seems like all the forces are fighting against me and everything I do takes a substantial amount of effort while everyone else achieves things effortlessly.

For three short weeks, I felt like I was on Cloud 9. Looking back, I feels like it was all a dream and that I blindly, and even naively, believed that something that awesome would actually happen to me. I should have known better and then maybe, just maybe, I would have saved myself from this disappointment.

xoxo
-Sam