Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Shame on me

For the last couple of days I have wanted to write about something that has been going on in my life but I haven't been able to put my thoughts and feelings into words. But I need to write about it and try to make sense of all of it. And because this is so personal, it is hard for me to write about it. This might be pretty vague but I don't feel like being specific and naming names will achieve nothing. But to those who are close to me, you will know what I am talking about.

There is this person in my life who I used to think the world of. I enjoyed talking to this person and we could talk for hours and hours. I felt like I could talk to him about anything and I did. I was falling for this person. Shame on me. But he was falling for me too so I thought it was okay. But then everything suddenly changed. We never talked anymore and it was like an overnight change. Like a switch had been flipped. I tried to talk to this person but I only got one word answers and the conversation would quickly die. I would try to make plans with this person but he was always "too busy" which had never been an issue before. It was hard to accept. I felt like this person didn't want anything to do with me and I didn't know how to handle it. I was so confused about what was going on and I lost a lot of sleep thinking it over and over.

I know now that he had found someone else and I sincerely hope that he is happy. But I have to be honest and admit that I am hurt. I did not see this coming and was completely surprised when I found out. I feel like he at least owed it to me to tell me himself. Maybe an apology or something.

So here I am feeling depressed and questioning my self-worth. I have been trying to figure out what I did wrong and why he was suddenly not interested. I was blaming myself. But today I realized that I need to move on and that he isn't worth my tears. Looking back on everything, there had been signs that it wouldn't work from the very beginning and I had ignored warnings from my friends. From this point on, I will be strong and act like it doesn't bother me and one day it won't anymore. I refuse to let him see how hurt I am. I will be stronger than that. I haven't decided if a friendship with him is something I want. I haven't talked to him for awhile and I'm not sure if he even knows that I know about his girl. I don't know how I want to handle the situation and I'm not sure what I want to say to him. So I guess for now, we will continue this no-talking thing.

But tomorrow is a new day and it will be better than the last few.

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