Why do we go through difficult things?

I don't think it's any secret that the last month has been especially difficult for me. Ever since the breakup, life has been hard. I've debated for awhile if this was something I wanted to blog about but I just need to get it all out. But even now I struggle to find the words to describe how I am feeling.

For awhile right after it happened, it was surreal. I couldn't believe what had happened. I didn't see it coming and I thought we were fine. More than fine actually; I thought we were great. And then I was blindsided that night when he broke it off. And now, a little more than a month later, I am finally accepting what happened. I am forcing myself to try to find the purpose and reason for it all. I just don't believe that it happened for no reason. I am desperately trying to find the "why" and to start putting some pieces back together in order to move on.

I'm not sure if it's closure I'm searching for. I've talked with him a few times since then I think we are good with each other. It's not the why we had to end that I'm searching for. I don't think that's something I'll ever fully understand although he's tried to fill in the blanks as much as possible. It's the answers for why I have to go through this hurt and pain that I am yearning for.

I still care for him and miss him like crazy but I honestly think we could actually be one of the few who can make the "just friends" thing work. We were friends for a long time before we started dating so there's no reason why we couldn't be friends now. I don't hate him and I'm not mad at him. I just feel sad about everything.

I've always been one to search for the reason in every little thing. It's easier for me to cope with something if I can see the big picture. But I just can't figure this one out.

Prom

I never went to prom. And at times I am a little bitter because of that because what girl doesn't dream of going to prom and feeling like a princess if only for one night.

Then my sister got asked to prom and I'm pretty sure I was more excited that her.

Her prom was this last weekend and she really did look like a princess.

Princess Belle to be exact.

She also asked me to do her hair. I was excited and it was fun to help her get ready for the dance. I absolutely love how her hair turned out.

This girl is darling and I'm glad she had such a fun time at the dance.

Love you Maddi!

(Sorry for the blurry iPhone picture.)

xoxo,

sam

Let's talk dating.

Dating. We all have our stories about awkward situations, DTRs and door-step moments. But I want to talk about another type of dating. Online dating. It usually has a negative connotation and is seen as something that only desperate, middle aged people use. But lately I have heard of more and more people using dating sites to meet people.

But how do you really know who is behind the profile? How do you know that charming college graduate is actually not a 30-something year old chatting from his parents' basement? Then once you actually contact someone you think you might be interested in, then you have to deal with meeting for the first time. Which has potential for awkwardness written all over it.

Online dating is such a weird concept to me. Everyone has laid out their life in a nicely organized profile that you can read through an decide if you are interested. It's like picking out anything at a store. You have the entire selection presented to you and then you can choose exactly what you want. And just like you are sifting through all the options, someone else is judging you based on your profile. Like you would judge a book by it's cover. Is that really fair to the book? It may be a fantastic book but you would never know unless you opened it and gave it an honest chance.

Call me old fashioned but I'm a little wary of online dating. The whole idea is just a little weird to me. But maybe I am judging it without knowing all the facts.

Would you ever try online dating? What are your opinions? I'd love to hear your thoughts on this so just leave a comment below.

xoxo,

sam

Dear Boys: Split Personality

Dear W,

I finally saw a shooting star.

You weren't here to share that moment,

But I still enjoyed it.

Sam

Dear Lion,

I'm still waiting for that phone call.

Impatiently waiting,

Sammy

Dear Castle,
I miss what we had.
I didn't realize what it was until it was gone.
Now I have only myself to blame.
Your friemd,
Sammy

Dear MB,
I think you're the greatest.
Ever.
Seriously.
Love,
Sam

Shame on me

For the last couple of days I have wanted to write about something that has been going on in my life but I haven't been able to put my thoughts and feelings into words. But I need to write about it and try to make sense of all of it. And because this is so personal, it is hard for me to write about it. This might be pretty vague but I don't feel like being specific and naming names will achieve nothing. But to those who are close to me, you will know what I am talking about.

There is this person in my life who I used to think the world of. I enjoyed talking to this person and we could talk for hours and hours. I felt like I could talk to him about anything and I did. I was falling for this person. Shame on me. But he was falling for me too so I thought it was okay. But then everything suddenly changed. We never talked anymore and it was like an overnight change. Like a switch had been flipped. I tried to talk to this person but I only got one word answers and the conversation would quickly die. I would try to make plans with this person but he was always "too busy" which had never been an issue before. It was hard to accept. I felt like this person didn't want anything to do with me and I didn't know how to handle it. I was so confused about what was going on and I lost a lot of sleep thinking it over and over.

I know now that he had found someone else and I sincerely hope that he is happy. But I have to be honest and admit that I am hurt. I did not see this coming and was completely surprised when I found out. I feel like he at least owed it to me to tell me himself. Maybe an apology or something.

So here I am feeling depressed and questioning my self-worth. I have been trying to figure out what I did wrong and why he was suddenly not interested. I was blaming myself. But today I realized that I need to move on and that he isn't worth my tears. Looking back on everything, there had been signs that it wouldn't work from the very beginning and I had ignored warnings from my friends. From this point on, I will be strong and act like it doesn't bother me and one day it won't anymore. I refuse to let him see how hurt I am. I will be stronger than that. I haven't decided if a friendship with him is something I want. I haven't talked to him for awhile and I'm not sure if he even knows that I know about his girl. I don't know how I want to handle the situation and I'm not sure what I want to say to him. So I guess for now, we will continue this no-talking thing.

But tomorrow is a new day and it will be better than the last few.

Dear Boys

Dear Tall, Dark and Handsome

You left today.

And I'm not sure how I feel about that yet.

I hope you find what you need in life because it definitely wasn't me.

Goodbye,

Sammy

Dear Water,

I can't believe how fast time has gone.

I am counting down the days until I see you again.

There's not very many left.

Impatiently Waiting,

Sammy

Dear Gamer,

I saw you last weekend but couldn't remember what I ever saw in you.

Thanks for messing up the rest of my life.

Grudgingly,

Sammy

Dear Blank,

You were just a crush.

But why do I still secretly look for you everywhere I go?

Confused,

Samantha

Dear Nameless,

I promise I really am not a complete ditz.

I just act like it around you because you are so perfect.

Try to see past my awkwardness?

Lovingly,

Samantha

Dear Hot and Cold,

I can tell that things are changing.

And I'm not sure why that bugs me. But it does.

Can things just go back to the way they used to be?

I miss you,

Sammy

Dear Boys: Past and Present

Dear Hot and Cold,
We tried and tried but it never seemed to work.
I  think we are just better off as friends.
Seriously.
Your friend,
Sammy


Dear Water,
Please come home soon so we can figure this out.
Whatever 'this' is.
Love,
Sammy
P.S. I miss you more.


Dear Clarinet,
Remember all those notes we would pass in class?
Yeah, I might still have those.
And now I bet you wouldn't even remember my name.
Have a nice life,
Sam


Dear Ninja,
I remember those MSN chats.
And trying to get you to tell us who you liked.
Years later, we found out your secret.
Thanks for the memories,
Sammy


Dear Tall, Dark and Handsome,
I knew you were too good to be true.
It was short lived and sometimes I regret it.
And sometimes I don't.
Love,
Sam


Dear New Guy,
You are messing with my head.
Please just ask me out already or stop with the games.
It's hard enough to make up my mind about you.
Love,
Samantha

Dear Mission Impossible,
I'm so sorry.
I messed everything up.
Regretfully,
Sammy

Married Man

His nickname is Married Man.

At least that's what Ashley and I call him.

And this is my story:

First, let me set the scene. I was a young, nervous and carless college freshman. I didn't have a bus that year and I had to take the bus to work. One day, I was just sitting on the bus when a guy sits down beside me. (I cringe every time I remember that I was kind of excited about this. Little did I know what would happen later with him.) He starts talking to me and soon asks for my phone number. And me being the naive little freshman that I was, gave it to him. The bus arrived at the station and we went our separate ways. And I half expected never to hear from him again.

1 day later...

To my surprise, he texts me and tries to get to know me. He seems genuinely interested and like a nice, honest guy so I start asking some questions about him. We text back and forth for about a week and that's when he mentions that he has a 1 year-old daughter. Then I got curious so I ask about her. And he let his slip that he is married!!! I remember being one hundred and ten percent shocked. It's not like he was some middle-aged man. No, he was probably around 24. I had no idea what to do. I had never really had a ton of experience with single guys let alone married men! I tried to ignore him but he kept texting and calling me. When he asked me on an official date was when I called him on the whole marriage thing. His excuse/rationale was that he wanted a divorce. Oh, well why didn't you say so before? That makes everything okay. Umm... Are you kidding me? That was the lamest excuse.

Over the next few months...

He continued to text and call me just to talk or to ask me out. Finally, I told him straight out that I wasn't interested. He told me something along the lines of this: "Are you sure? I'll give you some time to think that over. You don't know what you are giving up. But don't take too long because I won't wait around forever." He made it sound like he was doing me a favor. I told him I was sure.

3 months later...

Married Man had been silent for a few months now and I thought that I was in the clear and that he had forgotten all about me. One day, I was eating lunch with Ashley and her boyfriend when someone mentioned Married Man. They both got a kick out of this whole awkward situation and were curious as to what he looked like. But I didn't know his last name so we couldn't facebook stalk him. So they convinced me to start talking to him again. He took that the wrong way. He thought I was completely interested. I was asked to go to the movies with him. And to go to his house to "relax" after a long day at school. I was even invited to his kid's birthday party! I kept ignoring him but this guy was persistent. That summer he even wanted me to go to California with him and kids!

Earlier this year

At the beginning of his year, things eventually calmed down with him and I heard from him less and less. One might assume that is where the story ends. But no. My life wouldn't be complete without regular awkward encounters with him. Almost every time I go to Wal-Mart, I see him. I'm literally afraid to go by myself because I'm worried about running into him. One day, Ashley wasn't home and I really needed some groceries. So I put on my big-girl shoes and went alone. Bad idea. It was the most awkward of awkwardest encounters. It was a full-on shopping cart collision. I tried to get out of there as fast as possible but he wanted to talk. And of course, ask me out again.

From this point on, I will always go to the Logan Wal-Mart with a shopping buddy.

It Will All Work Out

Everyone is getting married.

And having babies.

And some are doing the baby thing first.

But then there's me.

Still single.

And doing the college thing.

Sometimes I feel like I am behind.

But I just need to remember,

that everyone grows up differently.

And it's not that I am still a child.

Because I'm not.

I'm an adult with different priorities.

And that's okay.

I don't have to be like everyone else.

I'm doing my own thing at my own pace.

I'm not doing anything wrong.

We just all go in our different directions.

And what I need to keep in mind is this:

There is someone out there just for me.

And I will meet him when it's the right time.

For both of us.

xoxo,

Samantha

Happy Love Day

"I don't believe in destiny or the guiding hand of fate.

I don't believe in forever, or love as a mystical state.

I don't believe in the stars or the planets

or angels watching from above.

But I believe there's a ghost of a chance

we can find someone to love

and make it last."

- Rush, "Ghost Of A Chance"

I hope you have a great Valentine's Day, however you are spending it.

xoxo

Sam

The Dating Problem

My generation has a twisted understanding of dating. A lot of young people believe that dating = hanging out.

But I am here to tell you that this is not true. They are entirely different and separate activities.

So let's break it down. What do we know about hanging out?

1. Usually unplanned. This is when you get a conversation similar to this: "So what do you want to do?" "I don't know. What do you want to do?" "I don't know..."

2. Everyone pays for themselves.

3. These hang outs are typically with the same people. Doing the same thing.

4. You are secretly wishing you were on a date with that one guy instead of sitting around having the what-do-you-want-to-do conversation.

Okay, now what about dating?

1. They are (should) be planned. Those unplanned dates are rough. And awkward.

2. The guy pays.

3. To achieve the best dating experience, date a lot of different people. And do different things. Don't get me wrong, those dinner and a movie dates have their purpose. But are not for the sixth date.

4. You are happy because you are actually on a date. It makes you feel kind of special.

So how and why has our society turned good, old-fashioned dating into hanging out? They are obviously not the same thing. I'm not going to pretend to have the answer because I don't. What I do know is this: dating has taken a back-seat while hanging out has moved in front and center.

Bottom line: Guys don't ask girls out enough. And when that date does come around the girl takes it really seriously and that can freak a guy out. So they just don't ask girls out as often until they are really serious about settling down. So less people are dating and in the mean time, we are all getting old and even more single with every passing day.

This is it.

Remember what it was like to be 7 years old? When you dreamed of the future and when you thought those teenage girls were so cool with their cars and boyfriends.They got to wear make-up, have pretty clothes and stay out late.

I remember those girls. I remember Chloe, Susan and Heidi (names have been changed to protect the innocent). They were so cool and I remember how I wanted to be like them. I couldn't wait to grow up. Because then I would get my drivers license, have my first kiss and go to high school. And then I would go to college and have a successful career. I couldn't wait for the future and actually believed that all my dreams would come true.

But I'm just now realizing that the future is here.

Driving is no longer exciting, I have graduated high school, my first kiss has come and gone, boys are still just as dumb and I am actually going to college.


The future is no longer this abstract idea. The future that I dreamed about as a little kid is here. It is very much the present and today's reality.

And the big question is: Was it everything I thought it would be?

No.

With less than six months remaining of my teenage years, I can't help but reflect on what I thought it would be and what it really was.

High school wasn't as glamorous as it is made out to be in the movies. In fact, some of my worst memories are from high school. Driving isn't exciting now as it was when I was 16 due to car payments, gas and insurance.

Now that I am an adult, I realize that I don't know and can't handle everything. The perception we get from our parents and other adults in our younger years are not exactly true. When I was younger, I almost half expected to receive this large amount of knowledge when I turned 18. Or maybe even 19. Or maybe it's yet to come when I turn 20. But adults really don't know everything.

Part of me wants to be a little kid again. Everything seemed so much simpler then.

xoxo

Sammy

Dear Boys

This is my attempt at a dear boys post. I've read a few of them and I think I have it figured out. This was inspired by a dear boys post written by my friend, Elise. You should totally check out her blog. It's pretty awesome!

Dear Old Man,

No, I don't want to spend a month with you.

At your cabin in the woods.

In Alaska.

Sincerly,

Find someone your own age

Dear Wal-Mart,

Why do you have so many creepy married shoppers?

Sincerly,

I'm shopping somewhere else

Dear Mr. Hotty,

Please just talk to her.

It would make life so much easier for everyone involved.

Sincerly,

Her roommate

Dear Hot and Single Guys of Logan,

Where are you all hiding?

There's got to be more.

Sincerely,

I'm done playing hide-and-go seek

Dear School,

I'm not liking this girl to boy ratio that remains consistent in my classes.

If only I didn't love my major so much...

Sincerely,

Disappointed

Dear Old Friend,
I haven't seen you in awhile.

I hope you're doing well...
Sincerely,

Please don't forget me

Dear Hot and Cold,
You used to mean so much more.
But you changed.
So I changed my mind.
Sincerely,
I'm letting go

Dear Married Man,

No, I don't want to go to Cali with you.

Or attend your kid's b-day party.

Or go to the movies with you.

Or come over to 'relax'.

Sincerly,

Please stop asking

xoxo,

Sam

  If you have any Dear Boys of your own, share them with everyone in a comment below.

What A Great Day!

In one word, today was amazing!

Like seriously you guys, it was awesome. Church was just what I needed. In sacrament there was this quote:

"Be of good cheer. Your future is as bright as your faith." ~Pres. Monson

I have heard that quote before somewhere, but today it really hit me. Because last night I had a mini freak-out about my life. I was applying for internships and realized that I don't have to much applicable experience that would make someone want me as intern. Sure, I have had a job since I was 16, but being a gymnastics coach doesn't mean anything to a PR firm. Needless to say I was a little worried. But at this point there isn't a whole lot I can do. That's what I thought until I went to church this morning. If I start reading my scriptures and praying again that my faith will increase and I know I will be blessed for it.

And if that wasn't enough, Sunday School was just as good. It was about the BOM which made me want to start reading it even more. Then Relief Society was combined with the men and take a guess about what the lesson was about. You guessed it! The BOM! I was so ready to start my new goal by the end of church.

My afternoon was spent with my amazing roommates. Singing, pudding and YouTube. We had a lot of good laughs. Oh, and nail painting may or may not have occurred.

Some boys invited us over to their place for dinner. They cooked us a wonderful meal complete with a pot roast and potatoes. And followed it up with Better Than You-Know-What Cake. 

The Spectrum was almost filled to capacity today. There was a fireside that Elder Ballard spoke at. And guess what the main theme was? Joseph Smith. I think someone up above was trying to send me a message today. Message received!

After walking home in the cold tonight, I couldn't wait to put on some comfy sweats and make some hot chocolate.

Good night everyone! And don't forget to smile just because today was a great day!

xoxo,

Sam

I'm Tall and My Life is Awkward

My life.

The end.

this is what i want

this is perfect!





thank you pinterest.

19 and Single

I am 19 and single. Why am I so love-sick??

It seems like every single time I get on Facebook someone else is engaged or someone else has started a wedding countdown or someone else has just got married. I have been feeling like the ugly duckling this entire time.

But, what I have realized is that there is no reason for me to feel that way!  These people who are getting married at 18 or 19 and right out of high school will probably just add to the statistic of marriages that fail.  Why am I envying this??

I am only 19 years old!  I am a baby in terms of a life span. Yet, I was feeling like I was destined for a life of TV reruns, bad Chinese food, and a collection of cats to keep me company.  I was scared of a life alone.  WHY??  I have my whole life ahead of me!  I am happy and loved by my friends and family and I'm SINGLE!  I can do whatever, whenever, and without having to answer to anyone!

But, instead of embracing my life as it is and loving the people I am surrounded by, I have become cynical and sullen and perpetually lonely.  That stops.  Now.  I am thrilled to say that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will find love, but I am not going to find it sitting on a couch watching chick flicks and hating my single-ness.  I have to go out there and live my single life that way it should be lived- FREE!  And by free, I mean independence.  It's not relying on anyone for anything or being relied on.

There are so many things I want to do.  So many places I want to see.

Here's to the end of the lonely nights, the sad, boring personality, the down trodden face, the love-sick girl that could be found journaling her thoughts with Ben and Jerry.  And here's to the beginning of my new life. A life filled with friends and family and fun and happiness and freedom.

I honestly feel bad for those people that have and/or are about to become tied down with a husband or wife and kids before they can even legally drink. While you have tied your life with responsibilities and commitment at such a young and carefree age; I will be out living mine.  Like I should be.

I will find love one day. But it will be when I have experienced life and am ready to settle down. Until then, I am more than willing to wait with my head held high.

I am a new person. I am single and free.  And I will be happy.

This Ain't A Fairy Tale

In fairy tales, the bad guy is always wearing a black cape, and you always know who he is. And then you wake up and you grow up. And when you grow you up, you realize that maybe Prince Charming isn’t as easy to find as you thought and that maybe the bad guy is not so easy to spot. Maybe the bad guy is not wearing a black cape at all. In real life, the bad guy is actually really, really cute.

Mr. Right

Who I'm waiting for...

A man who is a follower of Christ.

A man who loves children.

A man who is faithful, reliable and trustworthy.

A man who has a sense of humor.

A man who understands me.

A man who has a positive outlook on life.

A man who has goals and dreams.

A man who shows compassion for others.

A man who is easy to talk to.

A man who loves to go on adventures.

A man who is romantic.

A man who can make me smile.

I'm doing my best to the the woman that this man would want.